Let’s Talk Boundaries | Spa Queen Unleashed Podcast
Mary Wilson, Owner at Spa Royale
I love sharing my passion & purpose with each episode I produce. Each week I share how to incorporate wellness & self-care in your life on a daily basis. Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel or find me on iTunes, Spotify, & Google and become part of this motivation, healing, and wellness journey.
Full Transcript:
Hello. Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Spa Queen Unleashed, episode number nine. I want to welcome all of you and thank you so much for being with me today. Tyrone Davis is not with me today, even though it appears on the screen.
It’s just me. I’m solo, solo Spa Queen today. I want to thank Fiesta Media Studios for producing my podcast, and of course, my sponsor Spa Royale Day Spa, my baby. Today’s topic is going to be on boundaries. I said that the last podcast that I did with Eugene, which was really fun, by the way. I’m definitely going to have him on again because we just, we think so much alike and I hope that you guys enjoyed it as much as I did, but yeah.
Today, we’re going to talk about boundaries because boundaries are essential. Boundaries are so essential for you to create a healthy and strong self, just to be strong and healthy at all times because you put yourself first, because you have to set boundaries for yourself, for your family, for your friends and for your work, and so today, we’re going to dive into what boundaries are, what they mean. I’m going to give you some examples of healthy boundaries that we can set that can help keep us in a good place because it really, really does protect your well-being. I mean, I like to think about boundaries like a personal property line. I like to keep thinking in my brain like boundaries are not a bad thing.
Boundaries Are For Everyone
Boundaries are for everyone. Boundaries are so healthy. They’re so healthy, and I can speak about boundaries because I spent most of my life not having any boundaries. I was a people-pleaser. I was always trying to do everything and anything I could for others, but really internally, what I was seeking was validation and praise and acceptance, and I wanted people to like me, and I was doing all of these things, looking for all of that from others when I now realize that it’s, all comes from within, so boundaries come from within, and they teach us who we are and who we are not, because when you can be truly authentic and really choose and create the life that you want by choosing the things that you want, not what others want for you, it’s a game-changer.
It totally changes everything and everything about you and about your life, and it’s a real gift to be able to give yourself to provide healthy boundaries. Boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are necessary because boundaries basically teach people how to treat you. That’s kind of like wow when you think about that. Boundaries are what help you create that type of relationship that you want, and that relationship can be with your friends, your family, your co-workers, your kids, anybody that’s in your life that represents a big part of your life.
We have to have healthy boundaries because if we don’t, what happens is that we end up feeling very resentful, we’re angry, we’re miserable, we’re not happy, and why? Why all of these things? It’s because you’re denying yourself something. You’re sacrificing your needs and wants for somebody else’s when you don’t have clear boundaries, so boundaries really help to … They help to create that personal space between two people, and it also helps you have clear communication of what’s expected, so I think that that’s just super, super important in order to have a really good, healthy lifestyle.
Boundaries are also … I mean, there are so many different categories that boundaries fall under. There’s the emotional boundary, there’s the physical boundary, there’s the intellectual boundary, there’s a financial boundary, there’s the time and energy boundary. You can pretty much create a boundary around anything, but I think that those are pretty important, the five that I just mentioned. I think that when you think about it, as a society, we’ve kind of lost a little bit of being able to maintain healthy boundaries, and I’ll start with intellectual boundaries because that is kind of like discussing politics with someone.
We All Have That Unique Ability to Think for Ourselves
Whoa, politics. Let’s not go there, but it goes something like this. When you have a different belief than somebody else, and some people, for whatever reason, they can’t handle that you believe something totally different than they do, so instead of just being respectful and understanding that we’re all different, that every single human on the face of this earth is different, we all have that unique ability to think for ourselves and we don’t all think the same thankfully, because it would be a really, really boring world if we all thought the same, but let’s say you believe so strongly on this side and you believe so strongly on that side. Not having a boundary looks like, well, demeaning somebody or going off on them or starting a fight and just not being kind and just being mad because that really literally happens. I mean, listen, I can speak from experience because I have family members that literally get mad about politics. I mean, they literally will not speak to you if you are choosing somebody that they don’t like.
It’s, decided. I don’t know, because the way I choose to be is I choose to agree to disagree. Like I think that that’s super healthy. I think it’s really important that we agree to disagree, that it’s okay that you don’t believe what I believe, and it’s okay. You know what I like to do? I like to listen, and I like to ask questions and I like to learn.
I like to see a different perspective. Am I crazy for that? I don’t know. I just respect everyone, and I respect everyone’s ideas and their decisions. It may not be for me, but it’s for them and that’s okay. I’m okay with that.
I’m not going to be mad at you, and I’m not going to go off on you just because you don’t believe what I believe. I mean, that’s just craziness, right? If you think about it, that’s just crazy. That’s trying to control somebody, and that brings me to a new point, so control versus boundaries. Control is you wanting to make someone the way you want them to be, and boundaries just create that … It makes a safe space for ourselves.
Boundaries Equal Safety For Ourselves
It makes it safe for us to be ourselves when you have a boundary. That’s a big difference, and a lot of people like to control others, and you can’t control other people. You just can’t. The only person you can control is yourself, and when you accept that and when you understand that, your life is going to get so much easier. It’s so great. I love not being in control.
I love it. I am a little bit of a control freak in my own right about myself and about the things that I do, and da, da, da, da, whatever, but I do not ever try to control others. I used to, but it’s … No. Why?
You can’t. Anyway, let’s move on to the next one, financial boundaries. This can look like loaning somebody money, loaning somebody money every week because they are not good with their money, and it becomes such a habit that they don’t think about it affecting you in any way. They just assume and expect that you’re always going to be there to give them that loan or the money that they need. That can get really, really muddy, really, really just nasty.
Money is one of those things that can really, really cause great division between people, but if you have a clear boundary around money, where you are super, super clear about what you expect and what they can expect from you, things can change, and I think that … I mean, I can honestly speak about that because I was always the person in my prior life that would do anything and everything for anybody. Like I would just do whatever I could, and then when it came time to be like, “Hey, are you going to pay me back or …,” it would make me feel uncomfortable, so in those moments when things make you feel uncomfortable is when we need to take notice and when we need to realize that, “Wait, hold on. This is making me feel uncomfortable. This is not making me feel really good,” that’s when you know you need to create a boundary around that.
It’s a really, really, really great clue for you, so I created a boundary around money. I was like, “I’m not the bank. I cannot just keep doing this every single week,” and then being put in this awful position of asking for my money back because I don’t know about y’all, but as a business owner, everybody thinks that business owners are just independently wealthy. Well, we’re not. Some of us are just better with our money than others, right?
I think that a lot of times people just assume that because you’re a business owner, you’ve got all this money and you don’t need your money back, and it doesn’t affect you, and this and that, and that’s not true. It’s the principle, right? It doesn’t matter. If I borrow $5 from you, I am going to give you $5 back and a thank you. I just don’t understand that, but when I set my boundary and I was like, “I am not doing this anymore.”
“I cannot just give without having a clear set of boundaries,” things change for me, and now I’m not looked at as a walking bank or somebody that they can just take the money and pay you back when they feel like it, you know? Money boundary is a big one. I think that that’s something that we’ve all probably experienced at one time or another. If you’re that person that just takes and doesn’t payback, that’s going to come to an end at some point, trust me. People get tired of it, but anyway, another boundary that is really, really important is the emotional boundary.
With this one, it gets a little tricky because as an empath, which I am, I want to be there for people. I want to help people. I want to help you see a different perspective, but I have also learned that you can hold space for someone and listen to someone and let them decide what it is that they need to do, because we all know if we get really quiet and we get really still, we know what we need to do. Sometimes we’re just seeking validation from others, and that’s okay, but a lot of times, some people have the victim mindset and, “Oh, is this happening to me, and this?,” and it’s always something. There’s people that like, just something crazy is always happening, right?
Well, I think that when people live in that space, they become emotional dumpers, like they want to just emotionally dump on you all the time because they just don’t understand, and you’re so happy and, “How do you do?,” and da, da, da, da. It’s like, my goodness. It all begins with you, for one. It’s your mindset, right? It’s trying to change that perspective and change your mindset, and nobody can do that for you, but you, so you have to be really careful about who you have around you in your circle.
Are They Constantly Emotionally Dumping On You?
Are they constantly emotionally dumping on you? Why are you allowing that? If you create a healthy boundary and you let people know, “I hear you. How can I support you?” that’s a really good way of redirecting it so that they come up with their solution and they come up with what they can do to help their situation, and it keeps you from taking it and trying to become the rescuer or the saver, because we cannot save people. We are in charge of ourselves, right?
Emotional dumping, that’s a huge one because I think that a lot of people don’t even realize the ones that are constantly doing that don’t even realize that that’s what they’re doing. That’s just their way of life and that’s what … They need to vent. They need to talk to somebody. They need … Something that you could do that would be really helpful is get them a good book.
Get them something that’s helped you become stronger and better to where you don’t feel like you have to go out and emotionally dump up you. I do not like doing that. I’ve never been an emotional dumpster, but I have had friends in my past that were that way, and when I set the boundaries and I got really clear on what I was available for and what I wasn’t available for, things changed, and they will for you too, so be aware of that. Another type of boundary is a physical boundary, and that could be as simple as walking downtown with your significant other and they kissed you, and you don’t feel comfortable doing that, so all you have to do is communicate. “I would prefer if we didn’t do that in public.”
“It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but I’m going to think about why, but in the meantime, if we could keep that in private, that would be great,” something simple like that. Also, somebody just coming in, grabbing your clothes out of your closet because you’ve let them for so long, but you really don’t like it, you just have to set a boundary, and you have to say, “Hey, please, if you’re going to do this, this is what needs to happen,” and you can set your boundaries in any way, shape or form that you would like, whatever feels good to you, but setting a boundary so that you’re not put in those situations. I think that if you’re listening to this conversation that I’m having with you today, I mean, it’s pretty simple. You just have to take note of how you feel when you’re put in a certain situation and realize that if it’s uncomfortable for you and it doesn’t make you feel good, you need to set a boundary around it, so work.
I’m Learning My Own Boundaries at Work As Well
This is a big one because I’m learning my own boundaries at work as well. I’ve been a business owner for 19 years now, and I’m finally in a space where I can be who I need to be, but I also am learning to set boundaries for Mary, because I can easily work all day and all night. I have to set boundaries for myself, for my personal time, for my own mental wellness because I will just work, work, work, work, work, work, you know, and so I have to schedule my work, and then I also schedule my time, whether it’s farm chores, date night, cleaning my house, all of those things because I get so wrapped up in work, that then I don’t have time for anything else, and that’s not fair either. The other thing, setting boundaries at work, healthy boundaries, it kind of looks like this. I’ll give you an example.
My manager was on vacation, I don’t know, a couple of weeks ago, and so I was there full-time pretty much and I was handling everything, doing services, doing all of the stuff on top of all of my work, and things would come up, but I was like, “I am not going to call her. That can wait till she gets back.” Like I respected the fact that she was gone and created a boundary and told everyone, “Do not call her. Don’t call her. Do not bother her. She’s on vacation.”
I know that a lot of people, and I mean friends of mine, people that I know, don’t have that boundary, that their bosses can call them at 1:00 in the morning or text them, and I just don’t think that’s fair and that’s not right, and that, you need to have a boundary because work is work and your time is your time, and I try to be super respectful of that because that’s so important to me, and I realized that as a business owner, we never have a day off. Like the life of a business owner is 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and sometimes one day is three days, so I probably have a couple of years in one year, but anyway. I just think that that’s super important. I know that some people when you’re not strong and you don’t have healthy boundaries, you get run over at work. People will take advantage of that.
They will overwork you. They will give you more than what you should be doing just because you will do it, and therefore, you have to have healthy boundaries, and there’s nothing wrong with that. When I leave at 5:00 or 6:00, I will not be answering any phone calls or emails, unless of course, you’re on-call and you have to go in that kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? You have to have healthy boundaries. You have to set boundaries, you know?
You have to have boundaries that you don’t compromise because when you allow people to cross those boundaries, it just sets the precedence for it to continue. Like it’s just one of those things, once something happens, you give them an inch and they take a foot, so be mindful of that. Think about your workspace. Let’s think about our family, our friendships, our relationships with our significant other, our finances and our intellectual boundaries. Let’s think about all those areas in our life that we could tweak or that we could do a little bit better, and noticing the moments where you feel used, abused, mistreated, disrespected, uncomfortable.
All of those little signs and triggers are a reminder to set a boundary, a healthy boundary, and boundaries are not bad. I think that sometimes people have this stigma about boundaries, “Oh, she’s this.” Let me just tell y’all, my best friend, her favorite word is no. It is now my favorite word. No is a complete sentence.
I know that you guys have heard that before, but how many times, how many times have you gone to do this or gone to do that, and you just really didn’t want to, and you were super exhausted, but you just had to do it because they expect you, and da, da, da, da, da, da, da? Listen, I’m here to give you permission to say no, and you don’t have to give an explanation of why. Sometimes you just don’t have the capacity and you don’t have the availability to fit that in as well. You really, really need to become the master of your life. You need to become the captain of your ship, and you need to design your life exactly how you want it, and you can do that by setting boundaries.
I think that when you do and when you start saying no to something that you would, just because that’s just who you are, you’re going to feel really good. It’s going to be an empowering moment for you, because once you take control and do exactly what you want to do and not what other people want you to do and not what is expected of you or what others expect of you … That’s the thing. We shouldn’t have expectations because expectations lead to disappointment, so you just need to be really, really mindful and understand that having boundaries is a life … It’s just a life game-changer, like totally, and I hope that each and every one of you will think about the areas in your life that need a little bit of a help, those times when you’re feeling like, “Gosh, I’ve done so much and I do, and I do, and it’s just never enough.” You might need to set a boundary and you need to set boundaries with yourself too.
You Need to Keep those Promises that You’ve Made to Yourself
You need to keep those promises that you’ve made to yourself. You come first. When you come first and you have a full cup, you are better able to serve others, and you will be happier. You will be feeling fulfilled. You’re not going to be feeling so strung out and stretched in so many different ways when you do you first, and then you get to choose how you show up for others, and it’s all up to you. Anyway, with that being said, that is my little spiel on boundaries for this Wednesday Wellness, and I really, really hope and challenge all of you guys to start practicing boundaries, because I think that that’s, it’s a game-changer.
I know it is because it has been for me in my life, and I hope that you will start doing that, implementing it, and let me know how it goes. We are going to start having you guys call in with questions when I know the topic that I’m going to speak on, which normally doesn’t come to me like till the day before. This one, I knew because when Eugene was on, we talked about it. I was like, “Boundaries, boundaries, this is a good one,” but the number is 352-405-5905, and you guys can call and ask questions, and I’m happy to answer questions for you, and I mean, it can be anything, business, life, wellness. Anything that I can help you with, I’m happy to help you. Anyway, with that being said, go out there, create some healthy boundaries and have an awesome Wednesday.
I want to thank you for being here and I want to remind you to come back next Wednesday at noon for the next episode. Thank you to Festa Media for the production, and don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel, Spotify, Stitcher, Amazon Music. Did I say all of them, iTunes? I can’t remember all of them, but anyway, I’m there, so thank you so much for your support. Have a very, very, very happy Wednesday. See you next time!
– Mary Wilson, Owner at Spa Royale